


I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

by orphan_account



Series: Short One-Shots Based On Songs [2]
Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jealousy, One-Shot, Regret, Reminiscing, Sad, past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:27:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23624581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: song: Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn
Series: Short One-Shots Based On Songs [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700233
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

Raelle sinks to the floor, back pressed against the wall. The voices in her head are getting louder and she is helpless trying to drown them out. She presses her hands to her ears, but she knows it is useless; the voices are inside her and there is no silencing them.

She never loved you. 

The biggest struggle she had was believing Scylla had loved her.

You never loved her.

A rash conclusion she had come to, believing it impossible for her to love another when she hates herself.

You’re better off alone.

Probably true. She can’t hurt or be hurt by anyone else if she doesn’t let herself get attached.

It was Scylla that said it was over between them. The pain in those ocean blue eyes had made her stomach twist like a rope. It wasn’t that she wanted to end it; she just found herself unable to be accepting of the younger girl’s affections and knows she will be better off without her and all the baggage that came with loving Raelle.

Raelle never sat still for long, and very rarely sat in silence. Allowing herself to do either of those things was a dangerous game she had long ago learned would only hurt her more in the end. So she ran from her problems and the voices that chased her. She ran and never looked behind her, afraid of what she may see if she does. She filled the silence with any and all noise she possibly could--training with the Unit, talking to Byron, beheading dummies out of their plastic figures with scourges, anything to fill the black hole that was her mind.

It exhausted her to do it. The constant moving, the unwillingness to be left in silence for more than five minutes, the fear of being caught by her demons all keep her moving too much, too fast. She constantly was drained, both physically and emotionally. Then there were days it took every ounce of energy just to get out of bed, save the energy she would have to somehow muster up to make it through training. Her head constantly pounded, often due to dehydration and a lack of sleep. Her muscles ached and her body felt almost too heavy for her to move.

It only got worse when she broke up with Scylla. The necromancer hadn’t magically fixed Raelle and all of her issues, but she had inspired the fixer to get better. She had pushed the younger girl to work through things in a healthier way and to take care of herself, physically and mentally, for herself and not for anyone else. When the necro ended things, Raelle no longer saw a benefit to continue getting better. She had been working on it for herself, but also for Scylla. 

It was almost impossible for Raelle to remain silent for the whole day, as she had to use her voice to use magic. But Raelle always found ways. There were times where she would only speak when Quartermaine commanded and go days without uttering a single word after. She kept her head down and made excuses not to to speak. Tally and Abigail would express their concerns, but Raelle would shrug them off and would type any and all responses out on her phone. 

Every week, after training, the dorms held get togethers:parties to celebrate a week of getting closer to War College  
Raelle found herself sitting in front of broken bottles of beer. Deep down she knows all this drinking would be anything but helpful. She’s seen the effects alcohol can have on a person in the long run and the last thing she wants is to wind up in General Alder's office. But it helps numb the pain, the pain of remembering her.

Her mind slightly clouded with alcohol, she picks up the broken pieces, not even worried about what it would do to her. She simply looks at them and half-heartedly attempted to put the bottle back together, noting the cracks lining up but still present.

"Guess it’s true what they say,” she mutters to herself, “you can't fix what's already broken." She rolled her eyes because of the irony. The irony of being a fixer. When she couldn't even fix herself. 

Raelle carefully places the broken pieces back on the floor and stares at the door. Part of her wishes someone, preferably Scylla, would walk through the door. But, deep down, she knows it’s for the best that no one knows where she is. She can feel herself changing, almost physically. She can feel her exterior hardening as she tried to rebuild the walls around her hopeless heart and mind. 

She hopes nobody tries to get close to her again. The last time it had happened, Scylla had handed her heart over to the younger girl and Raelle had wasted the opportunity, giving in to the fears that she would never be enough and fearing she would never be able to learn to love herself and thus never be able to truly love the older girl.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"ꜱᴄʏʟ ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴇ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜɪꜱ. ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴏɴ ᴍᴇ. ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴜᴘ ᴏɴ ᴜꜱ. ᴡᴇ'ᴠᴇ ʙᴇᴇɴ ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴛʜɪɴɢ, ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴅᴏ ᴛʜɪꜱ."

"ʀᴀᴇʟʟᴇ, ʜᴏᴡ ᴀᴍ ɪ ꜱᴜᴘᴘᴏꜱᴇᴅ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ'ꜱ ᴛᴏᴏ ʙʀᴏᴋᴇɴ ᴛᴏ ꜰɪx? ɪ ᴛʀʏ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ᴛʀʏ ᴛᴏ ꜰɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪɢʜᴛ ɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʙʀᴏᴋᴇɴ ʟᴀᴍᴘ, ʙᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ..... ʏᴏᴜ ɴᴇᴠᴇʀ ʟᴇᴛ ᴍᴇ ɪɴ. ʜᴏᴡ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ꜱᴏᴍᴇᴏɴᴇ ᴡʜᴏ ᴅᴏᴇꜱɴ'ᴛ ᴇᴠᴇɴ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴇᴍꜱᴇʟꜰ? ʜᴏᴡ ᴄᴏᴜʟᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ɢɪᴠᴇ ᴍᴇ ᴀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ʙᴀʀᴇʟʏ ᴇxɪꜱᴛꜱ ᴀɴᴅ ᴇxᴘᴇᴄᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴏ ʀᴇᴘᴀɪʀ ɪᴛ?"

"ꜱᴄʏʟ-"

"ɪ'ᴍ ꜱᴏ ꜱᴏʀʀʏ ʀᴀᴇʟʟᴇ. ɪᴛ'ꜱ ᴏᴠᴇʀ. ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅɴ'ᴛ ʙᴇ ꜱᴛᴀɴᴅɪɴɢ ʜᴇʀᴇ ɪꜰ ɪ ᴅɪᴅɴ'ᴛ ᴄᴀʀᴇ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ʏᴏᴜ. ʏᴏᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴀᴛ. ɢᴏᴏᴅʙʏᴇ ʀᴀᴇʟʟᴇ."

Raelle's eyes open as her thoughts begin to sober up.

She can't love someone when she has no love for herself. 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think. Leave your suggestions below on songs or concepts.


End file.
